Zuko Cartoon, Joke, and Satire Galleries. If you're lookin' for inspiration for a few snappy quips, or need a little material for your up-coming shot at the local comedy club? Check these out.
**Notice: This is old school humor, (the kind you'd see on TV) if you have no sense of humor, and you are easily offended, we invite you to move on down the road.
A linguistics professor was lecturing to her class one day. "In English," she said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. There is, however, no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped
up, "Yeah, right."
An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
What's the definition of a pessimist?
A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.
Billable Hours and St. Peter.
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of souls ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly.
St. Peter and one of his assistants then escorted the lawyer to the front of the line and seated him in a comfortable chair by St. Peter's desk.
The lawyer said, "I really don't mind all of this attention, but what exactly makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, my son, I've added up all of the hours for which you have billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be at least 196 years old!"
Deals and the Devil
A young lawyer was visited by the devil one night in a fitful sleep.
The devil made him an offer. "I can ensure your future" the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred and two.
All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls will one day rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.
Effective Cough Cure
An old guy walked into his local pharmacy and between coughing spasms, asked for the best cough syrup they had. The pharmacist (realizing he was out of cough syrup) sold the old man a big bottle of laxative and told him to take it all at once.
The puzzled old man said . . . I didn't know laxatives would cure a bad cough! Are you sure this works?
The pharmacist said . .
. "It sure does! See that guy leaning on the bench outside the store?
He had a cough much worse than yours. I sold him the same thing. Now,
just look at him, he's simply too terrified to cough!"
Alan King once asked George Burns what sex was like for an old guy like him . . . Burns replied, "It's a lot like shooting pool with a rope!"
The Redhead and the Doctor
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts terribly wherever she touches herself.
"That's quite improbable," says the doctor, "Perhaps you should show me."
She takes her finger and pushes gently on her elbow, but winces and cries out in agony.
She then pushes on her left knee and quickly cries out; pushes her ankle and once again screams in pain.
This goes on for a few minutes, and no
matter what part of her body she touches, she is in obvious pain.
The doctor finally tells her to please stop and then he looks at her for a moment and asks, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"Why no," she says, "I'm actually a natural Blonde."
"I thought so," he says in an authoritative voice. "Your finger is broken."